the weird stuff and my worries

malam ini gue merasakan kesedihan yang amat dalam… apakah yang aku cari dalam hidup ini…melalui fase-fase hidup yang beragam… kadang indah, kadang kelam… seperti saat ini… aku terus berpikir untuk apa tujuan hidupku ini… hanyalah pada Allah… tapi apakah tujuan aku hidup di duniawi … di luar dari kacamata segi spiritual… akhhhh.. aku menarik nafas dalam dalam… a fuck up significant other, weird in-laws, insecurity… so many of my worries… I am down… especially last nite, after I had one of the most important meeting between me, my mom, my sister, my husband and my mother in-law to discuss on our “at the edge of the cliff” matrimony… the court has called us to be present at our filing for irreconcilable differences… it is inevitable…

[…and the conversation kept on going…]

I was down..  dreams shattered.. those two in-laws were expressing their concerns for their (in?) separable children… and yet, before today, I thought my mom was weird, but it turns out that his’ even weirder… so weird, my sister and I had our unspoken language between our similar mind.. “how can we stop her from dominantly chatted the conversation” … I was a bit pissed listening to her chit chatting… to make it worst, she wasn’t even let my mom finish her sentences coz she was busy expressing her thought and concern regarding me and my spouse plus busy talking about herself… she kept on cutting the words and over-reacted on certain issues… (I’ve never seen this side of her, it was the first!)… but miracle do happens, my mom wasn’t even snap at her (she usually does on people) my mom was a great mom.. she was patiently listen to her and her blowing up out of the proportion response… it’s true that apple doesn’t fall far from its tree… I look at my other-half and the one who bear him… I was proud at my mom… I am overwhelmingly blessed that I am her daughter…  she loves me and defended me in her own way… though she’s “one of a kind” mother, but she taught me and my siblings well… we all turn out well… I am glad.. I am blessed… and again, in the contrary… his was not like mine.. his was simply weird…

there are so much I bluntly want to say and spill here on my blog about our last night meeting.. but I have to keep it confidential… so here I am, writing things and covering things at the same time on things I’m desperately want to express…

I lost faith… yes I lose my faith to some major things in my life… (don’t worry, alhamdulilah my faith to God and Islam is going deeper and deeper-stronger and stronger day by day)..

I am a wreck inside… especially when his mother put me on the spot bragging on things simply because she was trying to defend her son (I believe it was more to hers instead of his)… and I shed a tear when my mom replied to her (defended me) and said how wonderful person I am, a happy girl, a loving and caring human being whom deeply hurt badly for five years because of my better half… and suddenly, I miss my dad… if only he was there with my me and my mom…

*deep sigh

I must keep my head high… life must go on… I have big fears and worries… so big I don’t even dare imagining it on my head… I feel cold.. lonely… this weird annulment of our nuptials has been spoken and laid on the table… is he gonna be there to pick them up or leave them for dead….[?]  only time will tell..

nite nite

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