curhatanku, teriakan hati di selasa pagi

there.. he is sitting in front of that PC computer I bought for him.. near my study room…., and across him, here I am, sitting on the dining chair facing my laptop on the dining table… we didn’t speak at all… our fight last night really struck me, it hits me hard, that I can’t agree with him on coming home late almost everyday with uncertain reasons… I am beyond sad… I can’t tell what’s really going on here coz it’s personal and in my religion it is forbidden to tell our issues on public… 

this is tiring… I am exhausted pursuing the dream of happy family where our vision and mission are not even close to similar… his way of doing things the “single” way and me with the whole commitment shit way (pardon my language), makes me way beyond feeling exhausted than working hard for living…  
about a minute ago I called my mom to discuss about the house electricity being fixed and the trip we are going to take tomorrow… my mom asked about my husband’s presence (since he’s jobless at the moment) and his availability to stay home while the electricity in our house is being repaired, when I sad he can’t stay home and watch those guys fixing things, my mom said she feels sorry for me being a housewife that has so much burden and joking about a famous newlywed singer who were just abused by her husband that still a hot news on TV… we laughed and suddenly I cried… I can’t say a word and my mom seems to understand… she ended the conversation by saying that her house will always be open for me if I want to stay there again…. 
My heart breaks… the last thing I want to do is to hurt my mom.. I want her to be happy, I don’t want her to be sad… especially now since my dad has passed a year ago…. God.. I remember how I cried since last night, and this morning when I took a shower and when I pray my Subuh praying, my tears keep falling and they’re falling hard… and I must stop them…! a colleague will be here any minute now to pick me up to work… all I can do is to pray to Allah the great almighty… I am sure with Allah, I will survive..
Amiin…

2 Comments »

  1. Halo Mbak Kiki..salam kenal ya mbak.Mbak, Yaya jadi ikutan sedih baca tulisan mbak. Well, I'm not married yet so obviously cannot give out any advice. Maapp yaa..Tapi percaya deh mbak,Allah gak akan ngasih cobaan yang gak bisa diselesaikan oleh Hamba-Nya.Keep the sholat Tahajud going mbak.I will pray for you here🙂

  2. Vylette Said:

    Hi Kiki,I've been silently reading your blog for quite some time now and I sympathize with your problems. I really do. But you know, by all means this is not a judgemental comment or anything, this is just a vent-out from one woman to another…I think you've given too much to other people. You haven't given yourself enough air to breathe. Sometimes you HAVE to be selfish to be happy.You know, Ki, life is given by God. But what you do in life is a choice. God would want you to be happy, but you gotta work for it, you gotta look for happiness. You can't just sit back and pray. You have to try finding your happiness. And if that happiness means divorce, so be it. Your mom would also want you to be happy. By staying in this dysfunctional marriage, you're hurting her more. Get out and I'm not saying get out while you STILL can, because you can always get out if you've tried to work it out and it doesn't work. You might have loved your husband so much at first, and he must have loved you back. But now, in this stage, there's no use to wonder why he does the things he does. Do you think he feels even the slightest remorse about what he does? Giving him the silent treatment is not anymore punishing him. It's a luxury for him because then he won't have to try so hard to escape your radar. You, are in essence, making things EASIER for him. It's time to just move on. Do not give him the satisfaction of treating you the way he does. I know nothing about you or your real problem, but by only reading this blog, I think I know what kind of loser you're stuck with. And in the name of all strong, smart women out there…Please get out, Kiki. You deserve BETTER. And by better I really mean better. You deserve what every woman in this world deserves: real love. I don't need this comment to be published, I'm just really a concerned reader. The thing I'm most concerned about is not about your God-awful marriage, it's the fact that you seem to start enjoying the pain instead of running away from it. Because, hey, we might not realize it sometimes… but let's see it this way: kerokan is painful, but some people become addicted of it and they feel better afterwards. Is it a 'kerokan' case to you? I surely hope not.Pain is there to tell you that there is something wrong and by feeling pain, you can either get in trouble, or avoid trouble before it hits you. In the end, the choice is yours. And please make that choice, fast.Hope you get better each and every day.Best,V


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